| Drug dealer. Such a profound term. One who deals in | | | | said."You want to take it in my apartment?" I asked, |
| drugs. Not only the selling, but often the trading, using, | | | | "Sure, like I don't get enough attention by the cops. |
| and producing. It's not just some homeless guy on the | | | | Now I'll have a corpse on my floor.""I have $600," she |
| side of the road trying to sell crack for some drug lord, | | | | said."It might be possible," I said, as I scratched my |
| just so he can have a place to sleep. Nowadays, it's | | | | chin.We walked back to my room. "Put the money on |
| some 17 year old punk, carrying a book of acid and a | | | | the table," I said, "I have to make a phone call." She did |
| pound of weed, all wrapped up in tin foil and plastic, | | | | as I asked."Hey, Johnny," I said on the phone, "What's |
| and at home, his bathtub is full of sugar, water, 50 | | | | up, man? Hey, you think you can help me move a |
| mashed organges, and 10 packets of yeast. Ask him | | | | body? Yeah, I know the normal fee. Sure, sure, come |
| about it and he'll say, "Technically, it's still alive when I | | | | later tonight. Peace, brother.""Can I ask why you're |
| drink it, but I just pour more water in there when it | | | | doing this?" I said, as I picked up the money."Several |
| starts to run low, and it's like a Jesus: turning water to | | | | parts of my life are a mess," she said, "Bad parents, |
| wine, just on a slower and less tasteful method." He'll | | | | bad boyfriend," she grinned at me with some wit."Hey," |
| have a repetoir of legal and illegal highs, ways to | | | | I said, "Don't get cute on me. After all, I do have to kill |
| dodge prosecution or arrest when police inquire. | | | | you." She nodded with a smile and I started counting |
| "What? You found a meth pipe? Oh, my god... Are you | | | | the cash. "So, really, why are you doing this?""The |
| serious? That's what he was doing. Oh, man. My friend | | | | reasons are my own and my own to --""Hey, there's |
| was with my bag. That fuckhead must have put it | | | | only $450 here," I saidd, looking up, "Where's the other |
| there." Five hours detainment while your body is | | | | $150?""That's all I have," she said, "It's everything."I had |
| dehydrating from the speed, and then you're a free | | | | to make a decision. Help her die or let her go with her |
| man. Everyday was walking on a tightrope of the law. | | | | cash. As a drug dealer, it decently pisses me off that |
| In a pill or a bag, I am holding a piece of heaven that | | | | someone says they have cash for something but end |
| lasts 8 hours. One day, I make $170, the second day, I | | | | up not having it, or having half. Sometimes they offer |
| hop two fences after making a $20. We're living on | | | | the argument that they'll get me back, but that's bullshit. |
| the fringes of poverty in the ghetto, struggling to make | | | | They're addicted to a substance they can get from |
| a living. I guess I provide a rather important industry. I | | | | anyone. The next five dollars to hit their palm will go to |
| help people forget they are here.It is not uncommon. | | | | another dealer, not to pay debts. Unlike these people, |
| One day, I am facing someone who gives me their last | | | | this girl couldn't do that. She was not going to be |
| $25. Maybe they intended for it, but their next four | | | | around next week."Well, fine," I said, "I suppose we can |
| hours were their last. And as much as I felt that I was | | | | still do this... Sit on the bed." I sat down at my desk and |
| a slave to this system, I felt free, too. Free of | | | | pulled a coffee filter out of the trash can, and opened it |
| starvation, free of bruttish conditions. Yes, I have been | | | | on my desk. It was ful lof a wet, green powder."What's |
| shot at by cops and other dealers. One time, four kids | | | | that?" she asked, trying to look over my shoulder."It's a |
| tried to jump me for my shit. I had to stab one to get | | | | toxin byproduct that comes from making high grade |
| them to realize that I wasn't a push over. As | | | | methamphetamine," I said, as I started to fill the gelcaps |
| dangerous as it was, I had a life. I had a living. I could | | | | with it, "It's not painful, unlike most toxins, but it is by far |
| survive in this horrible place, wracked with misery as | | | | more lethal." I started to fill some with basil, which helps |
| much as it was. And, honestly, I called it a home. There | | | | stomach digestion."Are these band lyrics?" she asked, |
| is something prophetically human about this profession. | | | | referring to the paper on the wall.I turned around, |
| A friend of mine was on a bad acid trip. He kept | | | | "Those? No... They're nineteenth century poems." I |
| shaking. I let him stay in my room. He kept talking about | | | | went back to filling pills."They're beautiful," she said, "I |
| police, not making much sense. I gave him a blanket | | | | enjoyed this one about love at first sight.""Yeah, it |
| and put on soothing music. Next morning, I found out | | | | mocked the concept of it and then talked about loving |
| thath someone tried to burn down a department store, | | | | someone after knowing them," I replied."Yeah," she |
| what cops called, "seemingly from a drug user." I | | | | said, "I get it. I was curious as to what kind of band |
| remember holding his shaking hand, kneeling down to | | | | would sing a song like that.""That's the thing," I said, |
| him. "It's gonna be okay," I said, "Don't worry about it, | | | | "None would. Or at least, almost none.""And what's |
| you're safe here." He sort of calmed down and I let | | | | this?" she asked."That?" I said turning around, "It's a |
| him stay. I suppose I also harbored a criminal, but that | | | | painting of a face, using only red and black paint. I paid |
| never bothered me. I have my own definition of legal | | | | two hits of acid for it. I would have paid more, because |
| and illegal.The kids or old wash up junkies I sell to, they | | | | it's just so beautiful.""Mmmmm," she replied, "It is nice." |
| are hardly stereotypical. I have seen couples come to | | | | With her affection toward the painting, she had thrown |
| me, and say that they want ecstacy, something to | | | | a smile in my direction. I could see that she was |
| increase their love for each other and experience it | | | | rational and logical in her decision of suicide. She wasn't |
| through new channels. They were young and poor, but | | | | in tears. She wasn't broken in pieces. She was very |
| they still had more than many others. I've had junkies | | | | much together, or very effective in subtly convincing |
| come up to me for a fix of meth so they could be up | | | | me of this.I walked over to the bed and handed her |
| for a fourth day. Burnt out, shaking, destroyed body, | | | | four pills. "I'll get you a glass of water, I said, "Mostly, I tell |
| otherwise dysfunctional brain, and worst of all, coming | | | | my customers not to take it all at ancoe, but that is |
| down and in tears, "Please, please, just give me some | | | | pricesly what I am telling you now." She swallowed the |
| tweak..." Begging with their last dolars. I sold to him of | | | | pills, two at a time, with the aid of water."What's your |
| course. He had cash. And, as much as I would love to | | | | name?" I asked her."Julia," she said, "But most people |
| be able to give it away for free, I need to survive | | | | call me Julee.""Well," I said, "My name is Caley." I had to |
| myself. Twelve year old street urchins come up to me | | | | tell her, because I felt like she wouldn't ask."It'll only be |
| and ask to buy LSD, handicapped men on Social | | | | 30 to 60 minutes, before you're gone," I told her."Why |
| Security ask me for Codeine. Artists and Musicians | | | | did you get into this business?" she asked."Well," I said, |
| flock to buy absinthe, and they finish off a bottle and | | | | "It's easier cash, it requires little work, I am always well |
| stay up to 6 AM talking on a city bench, flesh turned to | | | | stocked in my favorite commodities, and I'm not on the |
| fucking ice, drinking a cup of coffee that has been | | | | brink of poverty. Why?""I guess I always just wanted |
| empty for the past forty five minutes.I suppose by | | | | to know," she replied."So, how was your day?" I asked, |
| now, it is obvious to tell that I have a particularly keen | | | | a bit uncomfortable with the overall situation."It's getting |
| observation of my environment. Unlike other deals, I | | | | better," she replied, "And your own?""Oh, it's doing all |
| don't spend my profit on a new pimping car or a | | | | right, "I said, "Making money..."A slow silence befell the |
| mansion -- and the only dealers who could get that are | | | | room for thirty seconds as we exchanged glances |
| coke lords and heroin merchants. The rest are on the | | | | occasionally, myself somewhat uncomfortable still, she |
| fringes of poverty. One of my hobbies, I can confess | | | | somewhat uneasy, I imagine. A car outside blowing |
| that I love the beauty of the human face. It may seem | | | | Mexican rap music goes by with a bad engine. |
| like a fickle or otherwise shallow enjoyment. I look to | | | | Cluttered feet trample by with a mix of foreign |
| the face of a girl walking down the street, see a smile, | | | | languages. Her eyes look down and then are brought |
| and as I feel my entrepenurial spirit crushed, I find | | | | up to mine. As little as I know about her, I feel sure |
| something beautiful and unique. Some homeless child | | | | enough that she spoke with more subtle ocnfidence |
| struggles for warmth on a city bench, his face with a | | | | that second than aty any other moment of her life. |
| stone-cold expression, as he pulls a hood over his | | | | "I've led a good life.""Then why end it this way?" I |
| face, with little eyes peering at me. In some other life, | | | | asked, as the curosity of the homo sapien nature |
| my current one completely forgotten, I imagine I would | | | | urked my spirit.She shrugged."That doesn't seem like |
| be an artist. I am not one now, but I remember during | | | | you're confident in your reasons," I said."No, it's not that," |
| my last year of school my art class (apparently 8th | | | | she replied, almost in a faded tone, as though the |
| grade). One student was exceptional, and the teacher | | | | poisons had sapped away her soul before it took her |
| allowed him to do as he pleased. He used flint, | | | | body, "It's just that I don't want to, or need to, talk abou |
| charcoal, a variety of inks and paints. On those solemn | | | | tit... I assure you it exists, but I'm not bringing it into this |
| nights as I try to fall victim to sleep's claws, I fantasize | | | | room.""Understood," I said... "How was your life?""I told |
| using the complex tools of art to capture the smile or | | | | you, good," she said, "I have this friend, Celine. She was |
| anger of a person. But, just a dream, nothing I've told to | | | | always so nice to me and admired the things I did. She |
| anyone.Asside from this one hobby of mine, I can | | | | could be a friend on mutual terms, too. She loved me |
| admit that I enjoy poetry. The resurrection as faded | | | | so much.""I'm sure she still does then," I replied, "Why |
| love through columns of words, I can feel more free | | | | use the past tense?" She didn't answer."I'm leaving |
| than I have ever before. Perhaps itis the human instinct | | | | behind a son," she replied finally."Oh?" I said, surprised, |
| to seek out what we do not have. In poetry, nothing is | | | | as my eyes widened."He'll never know, though," she |
| written of the tringiness of the ghetto, the life and | | | | said."What do you mean?" I asked.She caressed her |
| death horrors that every man in poverty must face. | | | | hand over her stomach."You mean... you're pregnant?" I |
| Yes, poems about it are written, but not those prior to | | | | asked."Yeah," she said, "But only three weeks.""Is that |
| 1800. For the same reason I find necessity in trying to | | | | the reason?" I asked."No, she said, "I told you, I wouldn't |
| escape the hardened life of a drug dealer, I can see a | | | | let the reason enter this room.""Okay," I said. I tried to |
| yuppy reading "Treasure Island" or some other | | | | reach for something to say, some way to comfort her. |
| adventure-based novel. For myself, it is Thoreau, | | | | "Would you like to hear a poem?" I asked."Sure," she |
| Tennyson, Shelley, Rousseau, Emerson -- anyone who | | | | said. I brought out perhaps my most moving and |
| put on paper some thoughts that were original, | | | | emotion poem I have from the 1800's. It subtly touched |
| creative, honest. Unlike my hope fo being an artist, this | | | | upon the points of happiness and sadness. It subtly |
| hobby of poetry was shared and expressed with | | | | touched upon the points of happiness and sadness. |
| contemporaries. They seemed to regard it not with | | | | Every few months, my most favored passage will |
| animosity, particularly curiosity, uncomfortability, or any | | | | change. Maybe just its another poem, another stanza, |
| other xenophobic thought, but they just considered it | | | | or another author altogether. Here I read to her the |
| as another part of who I was. I suppose that it was | | | | pick of the season."That was very nice," she said, |
| the tolerance all of us must have for each other, under | | | | throwing at me a smile with closed, relaxed eyes, as |
| such horrible living and working conditions. So, what a | | | | one hand of hers rubber her forearm ently, turning her |
| man does in his own home, is his own to consider.In | | | | face away. Maybe it was a crime, an indictment |
| this line of life, I get a variety of awkward requests. For | | | | against me, my character. In only two examples have I |
| certain chemicals, people request that it's not in getabs, | | | | ever shared the poems of my heart with others. I |
| but just in powder. Some people want it dissolved in | | | | none case, my friend was going in to the military, and |
| alcohol. PCP on Marijuana, freebased cocaine (crack), | | | | would serve 2 years over seas. We hugged, thinking |
| freebased AMT, DMT,or DiPT. Or perhaps an | | | | we may never see each other again. In that case, I |
| intensified powder that will give potent effects by just | | | | didn't even read him a poem. I slipped a piece of paper |
| being in the same room as it. There would be one day | | | | in to his pocket with a beautiful poem written on it. And |
| where I receive a very awkward request."I want you | | | | now, with Julia, I have read her a poem. If I thought she |
| to make me die," she said.I've heard this before, but | | | | would be alive in two hours, I wouldn't have gone that |
| only from friends and colleagues who were witty. | | | | far."Can you hold me?" she asked.I stood up and |
| "Give me 20 hits of meth, and take a month off my | | | | walked over to the bed, where she was sitting. "I can," |
| life." But, no, this girl knew who I was, because she | | | | said."Please, hold me, then," she said. I put my arms |
| knew my customers, and she wanted help in suicide."I | | | | around her and laid down. Slowly, sleep came to both |
| don't know," I said. I've been in fights before with people | | | | of us, peace in our minds.I would wake and feel her |
| for trying to sell heroin in the wrong areas. Helping | | | | skin. It was cold. Life,Punkerslut (or Andy Carloff) has |
| someone die might be just as bad."Please," she said, "I | | | | been writing essays and poetry on social issues which |
| know people who told me you could help.""Look," I said, | | | | have caught his attention for several years. His |
| "If you have a problem with your parents, just try to | | | | website provides a complete list of all of these |
| settle it with them. If it's your boyfriend, get a new one. | | | | writings. His life experience includes homelessness, |
| I'm not interested in murdering anyone." I let her know | | | | squating in New Orleans and LA, dropping out of high |
| straight out that I didn't want to partake in this and I | | | | school, getting expelled from college for "subversive |
| wasn't being open-minded about it at all."Listen," I need | | | | activities," and a myriad of other revolutionary actions. |
| a drug to kill me and I need some place to take it," she | | | | |